What is it about the late hours? They have a kind of tinny hollowness to them. I am reminded of the thin skinned luminosity of someone in their fifth day of fasting. Glazed and fragile but tenacious all at once. The inhibitors have retired so there is a very thin veil over naked thought. Adrenalin pumps. That figures into the immediacy.

Late night hours when the moon is high and piercing, the coyotes howl, thoughts have weight they shouldn't have.
Overtiredness, a prelude to overwhelm.
Stupid things sounding incisive. Incisive ideas feeling dull. Nothing to be proud of or boast about anymore: pulling an all-nighter to finish a project. It's just plain Dumb.

No wonder little ones tantrum when they are too long without rest. Mad at everything, they need to retreat. Every one does some time--need to pull back away from the whirl, into the center. Sleep does that. Brings you home, refreshes. Allows.

So let me allow sleep now.

This morning the moment I awakened and saw daylight, both my arms—as if on their own—stretched out, palms up in a gesture of:  Halt. Stop.  I watched from inside me.  "You can't resist time," I heard as if from someone else, "it's a current.  Just let go into the current."

Quitting Doubt, etc

My dear friend, Chris, selectively sends me links to a variety of inspirational speakers and sites.  So this morning, i clicked my way to Sam Crowley* speaking with GREAT enthusiasm about the power of quitting.  Towards the end of his very animated video blog, I noticed tears welling up in my eyes when he said very encouragingly: become addicted to your passion. I could feel the longing to get out of my own way.

Sam gave the homework of making a list of things we want to quit.  I noticed myself writing at the top of my list: I quit doubting, then paused.  I have made that statement, or at least felt that intention, countless times.  I edited my reply to read something like: I quit letting doubt keep me from moving forward.  I quit fearing my doubts when they arise.

Would love to go further and find a creative, transformational way to embrace doubt (will contemplate this more and welcome you, my few sweet readers to share your reflections!!!)

Also wrote:
I quit comparing myself to others as a way to belittle myself.  instead i choose to notice what i admire and if/how i might wish to incorporate those qualities or aspects into my life.

i quit thinking i have to do it all myself.  (This latter intention leads me to some thoughts and a conversation last night about "mentoring," which will merit another post.

Btw: i cannot yet recommend or not recommend Sam Crowley.  definitely an interesting perspective i will check out a bit further.  stay tuned.

With gratitude for your presence,
A.

A contemplation on taking in and letting go...

Woke up this morning with my attention drawn to "urination."  Besides the obvious reason for focusing on the subject, I knew there was something more—something the process of urination could demonstrate about taking in and letting go.  I actually felt invited to consider this, so I am.  Will explore as I write...

Our bodies know how to draw the nutrition and life-sustaining essence from the food we eat, the water we drink, and the air we breathe.  We absorb what is needed for our survival and our thriving; the rest is released. A simple explanation for a profoundly complex process, given the exquisite harmony necessary among the internal, unseen elements and systems within our bodies.

Our health, this exquisite inner harmony, also depends upon our interaction with the "outside" world.

We are continually taking in and being sustained—not only by food, water, and air, but also by our experiences.

The morning's strange prompting leads me to look at what I can beneficially absorb and what I might need to release in the context of particular relationships and events. What beliefs and thoughts are actually waste material—the residue of past experiences not fostering growth, but rather creating discomfort?  What can I take from past and present relationships/events that feeds and fuels me?  What am I holding onto that may be interfering with my functioning, let alone my thriving?  Great questions in the interest of my well-being and joy.
___________

I have to go, but I'll be back.  Maybe even will take a closer look at certain pivotal events, discerning the nourishment from beliefs and thoughts absorbed that are depleting. If any one is reading this, you are warmly invited to do the same: to absorb the value and let go what at this point may even be toxic to your well-being—and to witness that out loud in the comments under this blog.

Also, if you are reading this—thanks for listening. 

Sleep waits, arms open. I keep busy with this or that and do not surrender easily into her sweet, encompassing embrace.  I am tired. The day's plate has been full of hearty nourishment and delicacies. To not stop doing seems a sort of greediness for more moments.  I pause after eating a certain amount of food, knowing there will be more the next meal.  Why not then relish the gourmet array of minutes digested this day, say thank you, thank you, thank you for the plenty, and leave the table.  Then after the days' abundant fare, I can savor the sweet taste of gratitude and the dessert of dreams.

Accepting the "container" of time and space is humbling.

The Goodness in Me Bows to the Goodness in You.

There is so much kindness and goodness in our world.  I want to take a few moments to celebrate this.

There is Ginny, the enthusiastic bone-building exercise class leader in her late 70's, joyfully guiding a bunch of us this morning in the basement of the local town hall.  A volunteer, Ginny's eyes sparkle as she leads us in leg lifts with weights tied around our ankle.  Between moves, she tells us about her zumba class at the YMCA, wiggling her hips while she does a side step salsa move.  She LOVES to move and exercise.  After the class, she offers to bring me as a guest to her zumba class, so happy to share what "makes every day better."

There's the young man, not even 20, in the produce aisle of the supermarket, so present as he helps me look for a particular brand of hummus, and so pleased when we find it.  I encounter him again unpacking boxes when I am reaching for a bottle of "Naked Juice," for which I have a special coupon.  When I pick up the one called, "Blue Machine," to read its label, he shyly says (I had not asked), "I like that one a lot."  I nod, put it into my cart.  When I thank him for all his help today, the boy-man pauses, looks right at me, and smiles so widely I feel a smile spread through my whole body in response.

When I inquire, the supermarket florist carefully explains the care of a colorful houseplant on sale.  She agrees to set aside the plant-of-the-week for me while I go pick up a few other things.  She is not there when I return, so I take the plant from the counter along with two bunches of flowers on weekly special. The florist seeks and finds me at the self-checkout, asking if—to protect them— she might wrap the plant and flowers for me.  She waits for me to check them out then fills her arms and heads back to her turf while I continue scanning bar codes.  I have told her I will come to her to pick these up.  Just after I enter my debit pin, she appears arms outstretched, smiling broadly—as if grateful to me.

I come back into the store for some forgotten items and this time choose the express line. As the cashier, a sparkly-eyed woman with a pixie haircut, is taking my Stop'n'Shop card, she pauses, looks up, and asks like it really matters to her, "How are you?"   Paralyzed on her left side, she completes her task one-handedly, rolling my organic apples over so she can read then type in their bar code, etc.  She is smiling widely the whole time like there is nowhere she would rather be.  Like she is so happy just being her, here now—with me.  Thanking me genuinely for bagging, she (despite the line forming) pauses to look at me again, this time genuinely wishing me a great day—just as I saw her do with the woman in line before me.

I could tell you about the acting manager at the Radio Shack store and the young woman at the Starbucks stand in the market, both of them eagerly serving me.  God, how many people seen and unseen serve me everyday!  Sure, some aren't happy where they are and may withhold.   But most of them are giving their energy 100% to their service.  There is little outer lustre and attention for them, no big worldly reward or stature.  But there is another kind of stature: the stature of simple, integrity, of serving with kindness and even love.   I am grateful to be the recipient of their service even when I am not conscious of what is being offered behind the scenes every moment of my day—much of it by the very office bureaucrats about whom I have grumbled and even resented.  So good to be reminded.  Namaste:  God in me bows to God in you. The goodness in me bows to the goodness in you...  

A Moment of Transparency

A family member directed a big dose of pent up anger toward me in a hastily written email today.   What grace to have realized, as I read her note, that her angry outburst actually had little to do with me.  I sensed that her anger (a kind of temper tantrum) erupted from a cache of frustration.  What grace to see this without judging her—or me, which would have been falling into an old, familiar (hopefully rusty and defunct) trap. Once upon a time, I would have taken this individual's resentment personally and let it upset my stomach, my balance, and my day.  Today, although I got a little shaken for a few minutes by the explosion, I pretty quickly found my way back to balance.

As I recognize and take loving responsibility for my own fears (many absorbed as a child), the more I am able to discern and feel compassion for the unconscious fears that dictate the projections of others.  Once upon a time, I did not know that I had a choice not to react to the actions and reactions of others. Now I do know.  

Today instead of reacting to anger with anger, I stepped back.  I spoke my truth in the situation clearly without defense or blame. Then I offered a prayer on behalf of the other person that she might see and be freed from her own inner demons—those limiting fears and beliefs it might be of benefit to illumine with the light of her conscious awareness.  

In my life, transformation has resulted from shining the light into my shadowy places so that love, discernment and wisdom can take the reins and lead the way.